“…Most of us have an idea of what life with a new baby “should” look like- perhaps like this photo. A smiling new mom, lots of sweet baby snuggles, maybe a few jokes about feeling tired but how it’s “all worth it.” We may also have an idea of what postpartum mental illness looks like. Maybe you think of a mom crying all the time, or a mom who harms her child.
This is a photo of early motherhood, and of postpartum mental illness. I took this picture the day I finalized my plan to end my life. I took it because I wanted a nice photo of me and my son for my funeral. I planned to put my son down for a nap before my husband came home from work, and to leave him a note saying where my body would be. I planned to tell him to send police so he wouldn’t be the one to find me. I planned to time it perfectly so someone would be home by the time my son woke up.
In my heart of hearts, I believed that this was the best thing for my family and that I would be doing them a service.
My husband came home from work early.
This isn’t how postpartum mental illness, or even postpartum depression, looks for everyone. It’s my story, just one of thousands. Mine didn’t end here, though too many do. Too many women suffer. Too many don’t reach out. Too many reach out and are dismissed. One thing in particular that I don’t think I talked about enough is intrusive thoughts. I had very, very scary thoughts that I couldn’t control about hurting my baby. I didn’t WANT to hurt my baby, but the thoughts kept coming and coming. It was terrifying. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want anyone to take my baby and I didn’t know what would happen if I confessed these thoughts.
What would have happened is compassion and hope. I am not the woman I was in this photo. With counseling and support groups and medication and community and vitamins and exercise, I’m here, alive and thriving. If you or someone you love is struggling, please reach out. “
The above was written by Maggie Rocke.
Maggie’s story grabbed hold of my heart. I too, like so many other women, suffered silently with Postpartum Depression. I remember feeling lost and confused. I remember the intrusive thoughts. I know all too well how terrifying they are.
They would come as a flash. A picture in my mind. Nothing I wanted to do. But terrifyingly there. Randomly and with no warning.
I remember feeling very alone. Like a failure. And that it was somehow my fault, and if I just tried harder it would be OK.
I remember staying silent, for fear that my child would be taken away from me. Or that even my loving spouse would turn on me and not trust me with our child.
I know now this is not what would have happened. I know I would have been met with love and compassion. But I wish I would have known then. I wish more women would have talked about it. About their story and their struggle with Postpartum Depression.
I wish the Dr.’s would have done more than just ask me if I thought I was dealing with it. I wish they would have had more of a conversation with me. Explaining to me the different forms of postpartum depression, how often it happens, and how I’m not to blame. What help for postpartum looks like, and what it doesn’t look like. And then hand me a brochure or write down some resources just in case.
If you, or someone you know, are struggling with Postpartum Depression, go to the resources below and reach out. Don’t wait until you are in crisis.
Fathers who may be experiencing postpartum depression can also reach out. They are often overlooked, but it is estimated that one in ten dads experience Postpartum Depression. Not too far from the estimated one in seven moms who struggle with it.
It takes a brave person to ask for help. Please know that you and your loved ones are worth it. That there is hope. That wellness is possible. And that there is a bright future ahead.
Pregnancy and Postpartum Support Minnesota
Postpartum Support International
Call or text “Help” to 1-800-944-4773
If you feel you are in Crisis, or in need of immediate assistance, please call or text the Suicide Prevention Hotline by dialing 988. You can also call 911, or go to your local emergency room.
You and your baby are worth it.
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